I can't begin to tell you how I am doing. So much bull shit going on in my life. The only thing that is keeping me going ins Brendon.....but when I really look at it, I am lucky to have a wonderful mother, and such caring friends. There are less than a handful of people that really know what is going on with me, and for them I am grateful.
So, I've been really ill. Beginning of October was a nightmare. I had sever back pain that resulted in loss of nerve damage, and reflex on my right leg. I have no feeling in my right foot, so right now I cannot drive. Jhonnie's been my trasportation to and from work. In the beginning of October, I was literally bed ridden, my mom had to help me with going to the restroom, because I had no choice but to use a *yo gwan* (korean portable potty thing). I had an Mri done, and am still waiting to hear from the nuerologist. Since I'm still in the probation period at work, they called and said that if i miss another day I would be released of employment. I received that call 2 days after our business was robbed, so I HAD to go to work. In pain and holding back my tears, I am workin full time right now. I can't handle the pressure of being the sole income of my family, and barely making ends meet, on top of the stress of dealing with my illness. I'm trying the best I can for my Brendon. I want to make sure that he has security, and right now I am the only one that can provide that for him. His emotional security I am not worried about. My mom showers him with unconditional love that even I can't compare!
Before all this happened, I was contemplating divorce. I won't go into detail about that. I will however share that I am taking things one step at a time, and one day at a time. The divorce.....well so far it looks like things are looking brighter.
So, I'm sorry I have been MIA, but I can only sit in front of the computer for so long, and I just didn't feel like I had any positive things to share with everyone. Please no phone calls, or emails....I'm doing fine, and please understand, I am not trying to be rude, I just have sooooo much going on right now. I know I am loved......but for now, I have to keep my focus on figure things out. I'm a real downer right now, and don't really want to talk about whats going on.
As far as my back and leg.....the neurologist wants me to have surgery, but it's not even 50% gaurenteed.....so I'll probably opt for the physical therapy. I can't wait to walk like a normal human being again, and I tearfully wait to be able to carry my son, and change his diaper!
I promise to show face and call everyone, when I am doing better!
love you all!
I promis when I can walk and stand and not be in pain, I will show face! love you all
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